Feeling...

Can't eat.
Can't sleep.
Can't breathe easy.
My stomach is in a knot....always.
Some days good.
Some days bad.
Some days unbearable.
Heart laughs and loves.
Heart races.
Heart hurts.
Thoughts are happy.
Thoughts are sad.
Thoughts are unthinkable.
Laughs.
Tears.
Anger.
Wishing.
Wanting.
Hoping.
Wrong.
So close.
So Far.
Happiness.
Excitement.
Disappointment.
Feeling warm.
Feeling cold.
Feeling everything.
Understanding.
Confusion.

Bailey & Guinness

A few years back we had adopted 2 puppies Bailey and Guinness. They were brothers and looked NOTHING alike. Bailey looked like a shepherd and Guinness looked like a Lab, that was their mix. Well one July 4th they had gotten out of the yard, which was not uncommon. They were escape artists. This time was totally my fault. I went out the back gate and thought it had closed but in fact it didn't latch shut so they escaped. They did their usual run, next door to Mary's house then onto the V's house and so on with me chasing them the whole way. I think at one point I saw Bailey smile back at me and give me the doggy finger. Anyway this particular day Mrs. H was in her driveway walking Holly, a 2 1/2 lb. poodle. (Bailey was 105 lbs and Guinness 95 lbs)She was dog sitting for the V family. The 3 dogs got into a scuffle and unfortunately poor Holly passed away later that night. My dogs were never vicious I honestly don't believe in my heart that they meant to hurt her. They had been around other dogs of all different sizes before many times with no incident or even so much as a crooked look but on this day I don't know what happened. While all of this was happening Mrs H reached in the middle of 3 biting dogs and...Surprise! She was bitten.
The rule is if your dog bites someone he must be quarantined for 10 days. As a result of this I was forced to make one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make, and with a very heavy heart I chose to put my dogs up for adoption. I brought them to the shelter for their quarantine but called almost every day to request they be evaluated for adoption. No one ever called back. The 10th day was a Sat so I couldn't call back until that Monday to find out what the step was...still no call back. Tuesday I got a message on my cell while at work "Hi this is Simone from animal control, just wanted to let you know...it's been confirmed. Your dogs were put down" Click.

WTF!!!! Devastated does not even come close to describing how I felt. My kids still think they went to that farm...you know which one I'm talking about.

Fast forward almost 2 years later the door bell rings 1 week before Christmas. We were served. Mrs H. was now suing us for injuries (a dislocated pinkie, and dog bite on her index finger which resulted in her losing her nail, which has since grown back) and mental anguish she sustained. I couldn't believe it. My family and I suffered too. My dogs died too. I still carry the guilt of my negligence and the result of my decision. I live with that every day, they were part of my family and I loved them and they didn't deserve to die and it was my fault they did. My kids lost their pets too and it was Matty's birthday when they were taken to the shelter. Something he still hasn't completely gotten over. That was not enough punishment?

Well today was the culmination of all of it. The end. We went to arbitration and after several years of this hanging over my head, a retired judge decided that this old, frail woman deserved $25,000. I'm sick over it.

Bailey and Guinness, you can finally rest in peace it's finally over. With all my heart and soul I am so sorry. You are very missed and in my thoughts every day.

Catchin Up

Wow it's been forever since I've been here. So much has happened I really don't know where to begin. For starters the job i hated I'm no longer in. I left that job with no regrets but i am still very sad about leaving the company. I'm not crazy about my new job cuz that's just it, a job. I feel like i left a career for a job. It's mindless and thoughtless and many times quite boring but the best part is when i leave work...i LEAVE work! Nothing comes home with me and that is awesome. So with leaving my job i also gave up my totally free car....sob. With Laura's help i got a hot new (ish) car, 2009 Chrysler sebring with only 9000 miles! SCORE! My kids loved it when they saw it and Mike has already claimed it for when he starts to drive in 2 years.....YIKES did i just say 2 years??? OMG I'm so not ready for that. What else....my crazy aunt is still with me and luckily, to my knowledge all of my "things" have been left alone. I know she means well and my kids love having her around but OMG my entire house stinks like Bengay...gag! When you walk into my house it smells like an old lady!!! Laura and I took our first trip down the shore, yep that was the weekend i crashed my hot new (ish) car! I'm fine, my car not so much. Ugh! I should be getting it back this week i can't wait, the rental place has me driving a PT Cruiser!! Shoot me now, even my kids wear hats and sunglasses when the have to get into that thing! Well that unfortunate mishap didn't stop us. Laura and I we went on to have a wonderful weekend. I think we really needed that time alone, just the 2 of us..at least i know i needed it. I've discovered that as much as i loved the beach before, nothing can compare to how much i loved sharing it with her. I can't wait to go back. Weekends always seem to fly by so quickly. I'm tired of wishing my life away i want to enjoy every second i have with her and i do. Such a good and peaceful feeling i love it. Something i don't know if I've ever felt before. I always seemed to have something that never felt "just right" before and now EVERYTHING feels just right. Some people search a lifetime to find that one person that can be everything to you and everything for you and many times that person never comes, I'm very fortunate and very grateful that i finally found her.
So...
Speaking of my kids, it finally happened. They know about us and I'm so relieved. I had a conversation with Mike on mother's day! He was really great and has been great ever since. Matty and Marky i was a little nervous about. Marky came right out and asked me and i took that opportunity and told him. He was awesome! Hard to believe he's only 10, he shocked me when he said "I want you to be happy mom, I mean if i told you i was gay you wouldn't love me any less right?" So 2 down 1 to go...Matty didn't take it so well he's havin a little bit of a hard time with it but not horrible. He's a good kid and he's got a lot going on in that mind of his and I have to help him sort things out.
All in all it's been very crazy and i can tell you there's so much i left out but that's all i got right now.

Memories...

I grew up in a VERY Italian family, in fact I am the first generation born here. Some of my fondest memories growing up were the holidays because there were always so many people around. I had a huge family and they were ALWAYS at my house for the holidays. It really didn't even matter which holiday...Christmas eve, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Thanksgiving, Easter hell even flag day was cause for a party at my house! Through it all my mom did EVERYTHING and with very little help from anyone. As I got older and time passed I took somewhat of an interest in what she was doing but not hardly as much as I should have. All I can remember was she and my dad up for days preparing, cooking and baking. And all the while my mom complaining and grumbling the whole time about how much work it was and how THIS was going to be the last year she hosted anything...yeah right! As much as she complained I know she secretly loved it, she just couldn't let anyone else know that!

Eventually, through the years things did slow down...stopped in fact. Who wasn't talking to this one or that one had to go to the in-laws or sadly they left us all together. I think of my huge family now and there's hardly any of them left and that leaves me very sad and lonely and longing for those old days. I miss all the ruckus and complaining and cursing in Italian! Weird huh? With everyone practically gone now it has made me really not enjoy or look forward to the holidays...ANY of them..not even Flag day!

I spent today with Laura and her family in what she lovingly refers to as Easter Panic. I watched her slave away all day with her mom and dad, even her sister and neice made an appearance now then. It reminded me of all the things I miss and brought back so many great memories. I have to admit I got a little teary but not in a bad way at all.

Thanks Baby, for including me. I hope you know much you mean to me and thanks for making me look forward to the holidays again. XOXO.

The Scarf

A few weeks ago when we went to New Hampshire for the weekend my aunt was kind enought to stay with my spoiled rotten dog Reilly. What can I tell you about my aunt? She's 83 years old and has more energy than anyone half my age I know. She walks miles everyday because she never learned how to drive (thank God) and she refuses to take the FREE senior citizen bus the town offers cuz that's for "OLD" people. She will argue with the cashiers in the supermarket for not taking her expired coupons and everyone is always out to "get" her. Did I mention she is "right off the boat" italian?

OK so...we get home from our weekend and I'm in my room putting away all of the clothes she had washed for me, when she says "AY! I gotta aska you soma ting" Before I knew what was happening she walk over to my....ummmmm...."DRAWER". You know the one with my private things in it and opened it up and pulled out the scarf.

OMG!!!!

WTF just happened here?! I stood there as she asked me something I have NO clue what because my eyes were glued to the open drawer with all the "stuff" exposed!! There was a very loud hum in my ears as I stood frozen watching her mouth move and then she looked at me for an answer. At that moment I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. I kinda waived my hand at her and nodded my head as I walked ALL the way around to the other side of the bed and casually closed the drawer. She seemed very happy with my answer and took the scarf and left the room!

Still unable to breathe I tried to convince myself that was no big deal because she's 83 for godsakes she wouldn't know what any of that stuff was anyway...but OMG there was no denying the the full color pictures on the videos!!!! Then another thought hit me...WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE DOING GOING THROUGH MY DRAWERS ANYWAY??? I was mortified to say the least, just wait til all the relatives in Italy hear about THIS one!

Well nothing was ever mentioned again, she got my scarf so she was happy and the next day I went out and bought a lovely box with a LOCK on it....and a new scarf!

Monday blues

I always loved the weekends...ok there was a time not so very long ago when I dreaded the weekends and couldn't wait for Monday to come....but that's another story.

Ok so getting back to my original statement..weekends...love them.. Except lately I'm getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach again but only when Sunday rolls around and for a much different reason. Again another story. See, I am a sales rep for a major laboratory and my job is to talk to doctors and convince them to use our lab and use these great news tests we have. The perks of the job are I get a car that I pay nothing for, a computer, a phone and I have a lot of freedom to come and go as I please. The down side is my territory is in Flushing Queens about an hour and half away from home on a good day and it's rarely a good day.

I wanted this job for a while and was so excited when I got it. I started about a year ago and so much has changed in that time..both personally and professionally..lol It has become a very demanding job and requires so much of my personal time. Reports and assignments to do in the evening and on the weekends. I honestly feel like there is not enough time between all of my kids activities and activities of my own, I am stressed out ALL the time. I know I should stop whining and be thankful I have a job and believe me I am but the pressure I feel is very hard to deal with sometimes.

I started looking for a new job, submitted my resume to a few places and hopefully something will come up...wish me luck! In the meantime I push forward and keep playing the lottery!

ME ME ME!

FINALLY! The day I've been waiting for all year has finally arrived! My Birthday!! I have always loved my birthday. It's the one day out of the year that's totally about ME! I know it sounds so selfish but I'm allowed to be selfish on my birthday! When I was a kid it was all about the presents but now that's not what it's about for me at all. Now the best part of the day is spending it with friends and family and that's really all I want. Oh...and cake of course!!

BTW....Laura thanks for singing to me!